Perfectionism - a curse and a blessing?
diesen Beitrag auf deutsch findet ihr bei Die Psychologinnen
Perfectionism is a double-edged sword. Many experience it as a burden: a source of stress, frustration, and burnout. Others, however, use it as a driving force for exceptional achievements. But the line between striving for excellence and being trapped in the cycle of self-criticism and stress is sometimes thin.
Understanding how perfectionism works can help us harness it for personal growth rather than letting it harm our well-being.
What Is Perfectionism?
Perfectionism – this term evokes a sense of guilty unease for many. For many, it describes the root cause of constant pressure and self-criticism. However, some manage to use it as a driving force to achieve big dreams and create outstanding accomplishments. But what exactly is perfectionism? Can this curse be overcome? How can one use perfectionism as a strength?
The most common form of perfectionism can be described as an explosive mix: the pursuit of flawlessness, accompanied by extremely high standards and excessive self-criticism. Even small mistakes are perceived as catastrophic. The trap of all-or-nothing thinking snaps shut: It’s/We’re either perfect or worthless.
This leads—not surprisingly—to stress, exhaustion, and burnout, but also to procrastination and avoidance of challenges (instead of taking the risk of failure, I’d rather not start at all). Feelings of inadequacy, guilt, shame, and a damaged self-esteem follow. Not exactly what we envision as a fulfilling life. But let’s take a closer look.
The Three Types of Perfectionism
In psychology, different facets of perfectionism are distinguished, each with its own dynamics, which can occur separately or simultaneously:
Self-oriented perfectionism: This type involves setting excessively high standards for oneself and linking one's self-worth to the ability to meet those standards. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy when goals are not achieved, and often creates a cycle of burnout and stress.
Socially prescribed perfectionism: Someone feels as though others expect them to be perfect. The pressure to meet these perceived expectations can lead to anxiety and fear of criticism. This type is often linked to external factors such as cultural, familial, and societal pressures.
Other-oriented perfectionism: This type is characterized by placing high standards on others, expecting them to meet the same high expectations. When others don’t meet these standards, the individual can become frustrated and disappointed. This can strain relationships, as it leads to an ongoing cycle of unmet expectations.
The Rise of Perfectionism in Recent Years
Recent research, particularly by psychologists Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill, has highlighted a rise in perfectionism, especially among younger generations. This increase is particularly pronounced in the form of socially prescribed perfectionism, where individuals feel intense pressure to adhere to the perceived external expectations.
This phenomenon is influenced by social media, which amplifies the comparison game and creates an environment where idealized versions of others' lives are readily available. As a result, younger people are more prone to internalizing unrealistic standards and feeling inadequate when they fail to measure up.
How Does Perfectionism Develop?
Why do some people tend more than others to focus their time and energy on getting everything just right?
As is often the case in psychology, parents can play a role. Strict, achievement-oriented parents with high expectations who do not tolerate mistakes provide the perfect breeding ground for perfectionism. Children who believe their parents' love depends on their performance often develop perfectionistic tendencies. They tend to view mistakes as serious personal flaws and are often overly self-critical. Genetic factors are also under discussion.
Cultural and societal pressure also plays a role. In Western cultures, there is a strong emphasis on individualism and competition, increasing the pressure to be perfect, stand out, or at least not fall behind. Constant comparison on platforms like Instagram, TikTok, and others exacerbates perfectionism, as people are confronted with idealized and often unrealistic portrayals of others' lives.
Perfectionism as a strategy to manage fear
The adverse effects of perfectionistic concern arise when self-worth becomes tightly linked to personal achievements. To feel valuable, individuals set increasingly higher and more unrealistic goals—a vicious cycle.
In this sense, perfectionism is not a personality trait but a strategy to cope with anxiety — a realization that changes how we understand and treat perfectionism.
This is good news. Changing one’s personality is an almost impossible task, but learning a new strategy is achievable for everyone.
The Positive Side of Perfectionism: A Superpower?
Perfectionism can do more than leave us exhausted and defeated. Katherine Morgan Schafler, in her book The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control, describes how perfectionism can be a superpower. Much like money or power, the key lies in how this force is utilized: for good or ill.
Perfectionistic striving—the pursuit of excellence (as opposed to an exaggerated avoidance of mistakes)—forms the foundation for achieving greatness without it coming at a personal cost. The essential prerequisite is a healthy sense of self-worth and the understanding that it is not contingent upon behavior, performance, or failure. Every person is inherently valuable; nothing we do can diminish or enhance this worth.
The ability to instinctively envision how something could be brought to perfection is a remarkable gift that not everyone possesses.
According to Schafler, perfectionism represents an inner drive to bridge the gap between ideal and reality.
Adaptive (healthy) perfectionism is
rooted in a solid sense of self-worth
is growth-oriented
allows us to joyfully imagine what perfection might look like and work toward it without being paralyzed by mistakes.
focuses on process than solely on the outcome
entails striving for excellence while embracing the reality that mistakes and imperfection are integral to growth.
Failing to achieve perfection does not mean failure. Instead, one can take pride in an excellent result. Ideals are meant to inspire and do not always need to be attained. Yet, reaching for the stars often takes us very far.
Practical Tips: Self-Compassion and Clear Priorities
In addition to believing in your own unshakable self-worth, another key is to approach yourself with kindness. It helps to speak to yourself as you would to a good friend: understanding, supportive, and free from harsh criticism. When you treat yourself with empathy, it becomes easier to accept mistakes as part of the learning process, avoiding a vicious cycle of criticism, shame, and guilt.
Setting clear priorities is equally crucial. There are areas where striving for perfection is worthwhile, but it’s just as important to identify where “good enough” is entirely sufficient. This prevents us from expending energy on details that distract from what truly matters. For example, ensuring the core message of a presentation is accurate and compelling is important, whereas spending endless time perfecting the formatting might be better invested elsewhere.
Perfectionism as a Resource
Perfectionism can become a powerful driving force when we learn to see it as a resource that helps us unlock our strengths. The goal isn’t to eliminate perfectionism but to harness it consciously and purposefully. By striking the right balance between striving for excellence and practicing self-care, we can introduce greater calm and satisfaction into our lives.
Types of Perfectionism: Which Type Are You?
Kathrine Morgan Schafler highlights that perfectionism comes in many forms, each with unique strengths and challenges. Often, these types complement each other effectively:
Classic Perfectionist
Organized, reliable, and structured, this type has clear goals and sets high standards. However, they can sometimes prioritize control which can hinder openness to unexpected opportunities.Procrastinator Perfectionist
Strives for perfect starting conditions, investing significant time in planning and research. These individuals analyze thoroughly but often need a push to get over low self-esteem and get started.Messy Perfectionist
Bursting with ideas and enthusiasm, they passionately start projects but may struggle to finish them, often overloading themselves.Parisian Perfectionist
Focused on achieving ideal relationships and recognition, they are empathetic and attuned to others’ needs but may sacrifice their own well-being.Intense Perfectionist
Laser-focused on their goals, full of passion, they are willing to give their all to achieve excellence but often experience high stress and neglect self-care.
Recognizing your type can help you identify your patterns. Understanding your strengths and challenges allows you to seek targeted support (through technology, processes, or collaboration with others) and leverage your abilities more effectively.
For more info and a quiz, visit: https://www.katherinemorganschafler.com/the-quiz
8 Steps to Find Your Way Out of the Perfectionism Trap
How can we harness perfectionism without its negative side effects?
Set Priorities: Your energy is finite, and not everything needs to be perfect. Identify what truly matters and focus on that. For other areas, “good enough” is sufficient. Even Superwoman shouldn’t use all her power just to open a jar of jam. Clear priorities enable you to channel perfectionism into meaningful pursuits without burning out.
Practice Self-Compassion: Replace self-criticism with kindness. Forgive yourself and treat yourself lovingly. This makes learning from mistakes and growing easier.
Reflect on Your Motives: If you notice old patterns resurfacing, pause and ask yourself: Are you acting out of fear and self-doubt? Step back, take a moment, ideally outdoors, and reconnect with your vision. Work toward something meaningful, rather than away from fear.
Challenge Your Thoughts: Don’t believe everything you think. Thoughts often lean toward the dramatic. Write them down, then analyze them alone or with a supportive person. Are they true? And even if they are, is it really as bad as it seems?
Reassess Expectations: Many of the standards that weigh on us aren’t truly our own. Reflect on whether you want to measure yourself by these benchmarks. You don’t have to.
Accept Mistakes: Mistakes and failures are part of being human. They may be uncomfortable, but they teach us more than successes can. Share them with someone you trust to prevent shame and guilt from festering, as these thrive in secrecy.
Seek Support: Once you’ve identified your “weaknesses,” don’t struggle to overcome them. Instead, find processes, tools, or people that complement your abilities. Nobody can do everything, everybody can do something, together we can achieve anything.
Celebrate Progress: Learn to recognize and celebrate small steps, courageous attempts, and acts of self-compassion as successes. It will reasure your mind, that you are on the right track. And it is fun!
Perfectionism doesn’t have to be a burden. The ability to envision an ideal and work persistently toward it is visionary.
Striving for excellence rather than avoidance of mistakes doesn’t just free you from the pressure to be flawless, it also opens the door to growth and fulfillment.
If you're interested in exploring how to use perfectionism as a resource without it holding you back, I’d be happy to help. As a psychologist, I offer both psychological counseling and online coaching in English and German. Get in touch!
Sign up for my newsletter below to be the first to know when my new online courses are available.
