Decisions, Goals, Failure, and Success

diesen Beitrag auf deutsch findet ihr bei Die Psychologinnen

Change is the only constant in life, and yet many of us find it difficult to handle. It's often accompanied by fear and uncertainty. This article aims to provide a guide on how to make decisions more effectively (which is more important than simply making better decisions) and how to navigate the inevitable changes that come with both failure and success.

Decisions

Most people aren’t particularly good at making decisions. Constant second-guessing, changing your mind, and doubting yourself not only drains energy but can also be paralysing. We often think, "I just need more time!" or "I don’t know what to do." Statements like these disempower us and prolong the uncomfortable phase of indecision.

There’s always a starting point, even with a big decision, and it helps to simply begin. Take a lesson from the bison, which, despite disliking storms, run towards and through them, reducing their time in the rain. A little courage and decisive action can bring relief. You don’t need to be 100% sure about your choice—uncertainty is part of the process.

It's important to realise that, with major life decisions, we’ll never know whether an alternative choice would have been better or worse. Thought experiments like, "What if I’d learned a trade instead? What if I’d accepted that coffee invitation? What if I’d moved to South America, or taken the job in Berlin, or walked a different route to work today?" can be entertaining but are ultimately impossible to answer. Let go of the illusion that there’s a perfect decision, and instead focus on making the decision you choose work for you.

Harvard professor Ellen Langer summarised it well: "Don’t make the right decision—make the decision right.«

One practical tool for decision-making is the BRAINS method. The acronym B-R-A-I-N-S stands for the following categories, each of which can guide you through a series of questions:

Benefits: What positive outcomes could occur?

Risks: What are the potential downsides?

Alternatives: What other options do I have?

Intuition: What does my gut say?

Nothing: What happens if I do nothing?

Smile: Accept the decision you’ve made and move forward.

Decisions become easier when we have a clear understanding of our values and goals. While this requires some groundwork (whether alone or with a coach), the clarity it provides acts as an internal compass, helping us regularly check if we’re still on the right path overall.

As with most things, practice makes perfect. The more decisively you make decisions, the easier it becomes to tackle even the bigger ones. Start small—practice ordering at a restaurant and resist the temptation to glance longingly at someone else’s plate and question your choice.

Goals

Many people fall into the trap of the “arrival fallacy”—believing they’ll finally be happy once they’ve achieved a specific goal. In reality, we humans quickly adapt to positive changes, and our expectations of future events are often unrealistic. Whether it’s getting that next promotion, publishing a book, finding a life partner, losing 3 stone, buying a house with a garden, or moving to a tropical island, go after what your heart desires, celebrate your success when you achieve it, but don’t expect your inner voice and mood to transform overnight just because you’ve ticked a goal off the list.

When used well, goals can transform not only your external circumstances but also your inner world. It’s essential, however, that a goal doesn’t arise from a sense of lack or the belief that your worth is tied to achieving it.

For example, women are often pressured into thinking they’re only worthy of love or respect if they meet certain societal beauty standards. This false belief poisons our thinking and leads to wasted mental and financial resources.

On the other hand, aiming to care for your body—nourishing it, strengthening it, moving it with love, gradually using up the reserves built up under stress, and keeping yourself well—is an act of self-love, rather than seeing your current body as a problem to be fixed.

Statistically, we have many more reasons to celebrate our successes if we set ourselves multiple small (and some big) goals. This builds confidence in our ability to achieve what we pursue, strengthens our sense of agency, and helps us to think and speak positively about ourselves.

Have you found a “positive” goal that aligns with your values and guides your future actions? Don’t be afraid to think big, even wildly ambitious. Failure is allowed. Now it’s time to get specific. How will you know when you’ve achieved it? We can work towards success or happiness, but we’ll never arrive if there’s no clear finish line.

Be careful not to keep moving the goalposts. What starts as “write a book” can quickly morph into “publish a book” and then into something vague like “be successful.” Write the first chapter or sentence, celebrate this achievement before moving on to the next step.

Being optimistic and hopeful doesn’t mean ignoring potential challenges. Think about the obstacles you might encounter and make a plan for how to deal with them.

And don’t underestimate how uncomfortable it can feel to step out of your comfort zone. It’s important to remember that just because something feels uncomfortable doesn’t mean you’re not capable. Taking action despite fear is the essence of courage, and this is where personal growth lies.

Failure

What happens when, despite all your preparation and effort, you don’t achieve your goal? Fail cheerfully. You set an ambitious target—give yourself credit for that. You took a risk. Fear of failure often stops us from starting something new. But the more you practice failing, the braver you become in taking on bigger projects.

Failure can teach you far more than success. Once you’ve made space for the disappointment, it’s time to reflect:

What went well?

What didn’t go so well?

What will you do differently next time?

Where could you use some help?

You’re allowed to tackle the same goal again and again, but every time with curiosity and joy rather than obsession and perfectionism.

Success

In my work as a coach, I often see how difficult it is, especially for women, to recognise and celebrate their successes. Yet, when you look closely, there are usually plenty of reasons to dance on the table. Taking the leap towards an ambitious goal, failing gracefully, standing up for yourself, handing the microphone to your inner champion rather than the critic, or guilt-free time for rest—these are just as worth celebrating as delivering a great presentation, negotiating a sabbatical, or being nominated for an art prize.

We build confidence in ourselves and in life by learning to recognise our own achievements. This strengthens our courage to pursue what really matters to us.

Sometimes, it’s not fear of failure but the fear of success that holds us back - the worry that achieving our goals might bring new expectations or challenges we’re unsure we can handle. But by acknowledging this fear, we can move through it without sabotaging ourselves.

Change can be forced upon us from external events or be created from within, through the goals we set and the actions we take. Both bring uncertainty, but navigating it becomes easier when we’re clear on where we want to go and keep encouraging ourselves with compassion along the way through uncomfortable uncertainty.

If you’d like support on your journey, I offer 1:1 online coaching. Feel free to get in touch at hello(@)juliapouly.com.

Julia Pouly