Managing your inner critic: A Path Toward Self-Acceptance.

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Inside all of us, there’s a voice that criticises, judges, and sows doubt about our own self-worth. This inner critic is a universal phenomenon familiar to many. But why do we even have this critical voice? What is it’s purpose? And most importantly, how can we learn to make our inner dialogue kinder?

Why Do We Have an Inner Critic?

The inner critic is a remnant of our brain’s evolutionary mechanisms. In a world where dangers were everywhere, it was crucial not to repeat mistakes, to recognise threats early, and to remain connected to a group to ensure our survival (see previous blog post »inside the mind«).

In essence, the inner critic has a protective function. However, it can also become a relentless source of self-doubt and negativity, which not only diminishes our quality of life but may limit our growth and keep us from pursuing the things we’re truly passionate about.

Often, this inner criticism develops during childhood. We internalise the criticisms of parents, teachers, and other authority figures to shield ourselves from pain and rejection. The fear of being seen as unworthy and abandoned fuels this critical voice, and we criticise ourselves before others can. The content of our inner critic also varies depending on cultural expectations and societal norms.

What Is the Inner Critic Good For?

Though inner criticism is often perceived as burdensome, it also serves important functions. It is closely tied to our sense of self-worth and acts as a form of self-regulation. A certain amount of self-criticism is normal and can help us pursue goals and grow as individuals. The absence of self-criticism and overconfidence can stifle motivation to try new things or embrace change, blinding us to the potential risks and consequences of our actions.

However, not all criticism is the same: questioning our actions doesn’t have to involve harsh or hurtful language. We can teach our inner critic the art of giving constructive feedback. Life is much better with a supportive mentor in your head, rather than a bully.

How Does Inner Criticism Hold Us Back?

Beyond the toll on our well-being, an excessively harsh and unrelenting inner critic prevents us from pursuing our goals. Stress, fear, and shame can disrupt decision-making and creativity.

Our inner critic also tries to steer us away from decisions that take us out of our comfort zone. This saps energy and mental capacity. Indecisiveness breeds uncertainty, leading to more stress and anxiety, often resulting in withdrawal and more self-doubt. A vicious cycle.

How Can We Make Our Inner Dialogue Kinder?

If we let go of the belief that we must take every thought we have seriously, we create distance from the dark thoughts we hold about ourselves. It can be helpful to give your inner critic a name and think of them as a separate personality. Imagine what they look like and why they behave the way they do. Ultimately, they want to protect you, but are driven by fear.

Pro Tip: fear often tends to be vague and dramatic, asking yourself specific questions about what exactly you are afraid of can help calm it.

We can speak to the critic, offer them comfort, and decide whether or not we agree with their view of the situation and the world. Criticism—whether directed at ourselves or others—should be specific and focused on behaviours. Keep reminding your inner critic of this. It takes time to learn this skill.

Additionally, it’s worth questioning the expectations and standards we measure ourselves against—are they truly realistic and desirable?

It’s essential to give your inner critic a counterpart —an inner champion— to whom you hand the microphone as often as possible. How we respond to compliments reveals whether we’re used to encouraging and praising ourselves. Practise giving heartfelt compliments to others first, as it’s often simpler to notice their strengths. Soon enough, you’ll find it natural to do the same for yourself when you look in the mirror.

Overcoming our inner critic reduces stress levels in the body, leading to better sleep, an improved mood, and a higher quality of life overall. It increases the likelihood that we’ll create and seize opportunities, as we’re no longer held back by our own self-criticism.

Practising Self-Acceptance and Self-Compassion

Practising self-acceptance and self-compassion is an ongoing process that takes practice. It’s about realising we don’t have to be perfect. Mistakes and failures are an inevitable part of life and don’t have to threaten our sense of self-worth.

By learning to celebrate even our smallest efforts and successes, to comfort ourselves, and to approach discomfort with self-compassion rather than criticism and fear, we build a kinder inner dialogue led by an inner champion who helps us grow. This empowers us to make choices that align with who we truly are and want to be, and to pursue our unique journey with confidence and joy.

If you'd like support in developing a kinder inner voice and embrace your strengths, I offer 1:1 online coaching. Feel free to reach out at hello(@)juliapouly.com.

Author: Julia Pouly